Triggering is Good

“The idea that you have to be protected from any kind of uncomfortable emotion is what I absolutely do not subscribe to.” John Cleese

I had a sleepless night recently, after watching an episode of Downton Abbey. A lovely, innocent character named Anna was raped, and the older woman she went to agreed to not tell anyone or do anything about it.

For the first few hours, I thought my upset was about an horrific event happening to the nicest character in the show. Just too involved in the drama. Need to let it go.

Eventually however, I realised that my personal reaction was due to the story triggering charged memories from my childhood. My father’s alcoholism got worse after I turned seven. His criticism and aggression increased, as did the abuse I heard from my bedroom next door to my parents.

At nine, my mother and I spoke about it briefly in the laundry. “As long as you don’t get a divorce", I said. For a child, that seemed like the worst outcome of all. Yet the disturbed nights of his loud music, coldness, yelling and eventually hitting my mother would continue for another two years.

I wish my mother had kicked him out years earlier. As painful as separation is for children, it would have been better than being terrorised for all those years. The lack of soothing, rescue and protection from mother formed my experience of betrayal, secondary abuse.

Anna’s story had opened up deep emotions of hurt and rage within me. Her story, even though fictional, served to activate layers not healed previously. The inadequate reaction of the older woman to her trauma brought a young boy’s pain to the surface.

While very challenging at the time, I have learned to welcome triggering. By leaning in to the emotions and sensations which have come up, the healing power of gentle, loving curiosity can do its work.

So next time you are triggered, be compassionate with yourself. Recognise you are triggered, catch your breath, and turn towards the part of you now coming up for loving support.

Each moment you spend in that 'healing stance' will allow old, stuck energies to be seen, felt and finished. Hard work, but liberating.

Please reach out if you need help; we all do at times.

And if Downton Abbey was not such a well-acted, beautifully produced show, I would not be going back to see how poor Anna gets on!

“The very first part in healing is shattering the silence.” Erin Merryn