Should you tell your partner about your trauma history?

Should I tell my partner about my trauma?

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

Laurell K. Hamilton

Everyone has baggage. Some more than others of course, but no one gets a free pass.

With a more stressful childhood, containing abuse or neglect, we will probably have some degree of PTSD which causes us issues in adult life. The residue of those experiences have probably followed us into our relationships too.

If you have been on your healing journey for a while, you have become more aware of what happened and how it has affected you. Perhaps you have moved through enough of the grief, shame and anger to be ready to share your story with other people besides your therapist.

Perhaps you have never discussed it with your partner and now want to do so.

First question is: have I repeated my trauma by being in a relationship with a version of my abusive father/narcissistic mother/ emotionally abandoning parents?

If the answer is yes, then your partner is very unlikely to understand you and respond well. They will just deliver another repeat of your past dynamics, as your subconscious patterns expect.

In these situations, I don’t recommend trying to discuss your trauma, as that would be setting yourself up to fail. The whole point of an abusive/neglectful relationship is to heal out of it and leave.

If the answer is no however, it will most likely be helpful to open the conversation. If your partner is a version of yourself, a stronger person who takes responsibility for their feelings, a giver, a pleaser, an empathic type, then they are much more likely to be able to hear you openly.

When we have been wise or lucky enough to partner with a more mature person, then the point of the relationship is to unpack your wounding together. To risk opening up your vulnerable parts to a safe, trustworthy other. To learn how to give and receive loving support without trying to fix it. To listen and be listened to deeply.

Great healing lies down that path of shadow sharing together.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

Fred Rogers