How do I tell my partner about my trauma?

Last blog we looked at whether it was a good idea or not to talk with you partner about your trauma. If the answer is yes, then here are some tips to help you go there:

Reduce your charge first.

Make sure you have done enough work already to reduce the emotional charge well down. The less you take into the conversation, the less likely your partner will be triggered and react, shut down, get defensive. We want you to have the best chance of being heard, so work with your therapist for awhile beforehand.

Give yourselves enough time and space.

Organise a moment when you won’t get interrupted and have enough room to walk through the different layers. Men talk well in parallel, so talking together on a long walk or drive can be a good opportunity.

Reassure them that are not in trouble!

Your partner will sense the seriousness of your tone, and may assume it’s about them! You can avoid any defensiveness by starting with reassurance; “I want to share something really difficult with you, but want you to know its not because of you, its old stuff with me”.

Ease yourself there gently.

It is painful stuff you are opening up around, so its normal to feel super vulnerable. Take your time, be patient with your discomfort, hug your inner child and put it out there. Once you have taken yourself to the cliff edge, you may want to retreat, which is okay. But now you’re there, your partner will be wanting to know; it can be easier to rip off the bandaid and just dive in. “I hid this from myself for a long time, but I was sexually abused as a child…”

Stay open.

If this is new for your partner, it will take some time for them to process what you are sharing. They will go through a range of emotions, such as shock, sadness, anger because they care about you. They may want to go and throttle someone, which would not be great. Just keep breathing, hold yourself in kindness and let them come around to being the support you need.

“For your every tear, know that I'll always be here.

To bare one pain we both will share, know I'll never disappear.”

Anthony Liccione