How childhood trauma affects your relationships

“Human beings are wired for connection from birth. Traumatic experiences rewire the brain to seek protection instead.”

Anna Aslanian

What we learn through childhood trauma stays present in our adult life. The memories are stored in the right hemisphere of our brain, constantly affecting out thoughts, feelings and physiology. Our system keeps looking for danger, stopping us from relaxing, opening, trusting.

We stay stuck in fear. Regardless of the form of trauma - getting things we didn’t need, or not getting things we did - we remain defended, with solid walls in place. We go numb. We are hyper vigilant. We develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, addictions, behavioural patterns such as fight-flight-freeze-please.

The aftershocks of traumatic events in childhood ripple through our adult life, making connection with others very challenging. Especially romantic relationships, which ask us to be more open and vulnerable than usual. Old wounds are exposed in the crucible of intimacy.

To heal out our traumatic stress, we need ways to regulate our nervous system, to let our body-mind know that we are safe now. Ways to do this include:

• Breathing slowly and deeply
• Gentle movement, exercise
• Time in nature, grounding
• Time spent with a emotionally safe, supportive person

The first safe person can be a therapist, helping you build trust as you get used to being understood and cared for properly. Part of therapy can be inner child work, where you bring that safe relationship from adult you inside to your child self.

Gradually, we can develop more comfort being with others, learning how to trust, share and enjoy their company. We can build a strong foundation for romantic relationship with a good, loving partner.

"Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved."

Wm. Paul Young