Add & Subtract - Guilt

Today's theme is Guilt

Everything in our life operates in a binary system of love or fear. Guilt-shame and regret-remorse are no exception. Under the umbrella term ‘guilt’, we can distinguish fear-based and love-based aspects.

ADD REGRET-REMORSE

Well-parented children are taught values and morals with: praise for behaviour that is good and acceptable; gentle withholding of approval for what is destructive and harmful. They are lovingly guided into an internalised knowing of what is right and wrong. 

The child’s solid self-esteem allows them to stay connected to their true Self (eternal Soul, unique expression of our pure-love Source). Through the errors of learning and life, they know they are a good person making mistakes.

A healthy inner compass gives us constructive feedback on our behaviours. If we do something loving and ‘right’, we feel good, pleased, proud. Our ‘child’ knows their parents are happy with them; our adult knows their actions are in alignment with the highest values of love, care, respect. Our conscience is clear, our soul is at ease.

Regret-remorse is the feedback we get when our actions are unloving. The continuum from mild regret to intense remorse is the love aspect of guilt. It is the prod we need to correct ourselves when our thoughts, emotions, behaviours don’t sit well with our true nature.

Suggestion: Think of a time when you dropped the ball and felt the discomfort of healthy guilt, regret, even remorse. Did you get stuck in beating yourself up, or were you able to use it as a prompt to make things right? Did fear and hate turn the feelings into an attack against yourself, or did you hold to your goodness and use it as motivation?

Listening to our regrets, are there any apologies or corrective actions we need to make?

I felt plenty of remorse for losing my temper at my kids a few times, but was able to use it as fuel for deeper therapy (turns out I was ‘channeling’ my father!). My love for my children kept the guilt in its supportive form.

The social function of remorse:

“In Latin, mordere means "to bite;" thus, remorse is something that "gnaws" at you over and over. In criminal court, judges are always looking for signs that a convicted felon is suffering remorse for his crime; if not, the judge may well lengthen his sentence or deny him parole after serving part of it. Remorse is stronger than mere regret; real remorse is the kind of thing that may last a lifetime.”

Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary

SUBTRACT GUILT-SHAME

When children are shamed, guilted, unfairly and excessively punished, abused, their sense of self-worth is damaged. Such treatment is internalised and leaves them believing they are bad, with a vicious inner critic. All those messages of fear-guilt-hate from others become the soundtrack playing relentlessly on the inside.

In that child’s future life, any feedback from all the normal, growthful errors of being human are felt, not as guidance to help us as we make mistakes and learn, but as evidence of our inherent lack. The ego feeds on this without mercy.

Rather than prompting us to be better, such toxic guilt just reinforces our self-loathing. We are buried deeper under a compost heap of negative beliefs, and mistakes that are evidence of the same.

Suggestion: The start of transforming the ‘compost’ is to see that innocent child behind the woundedness. To see our radiant soul beneath the separated, fear-based ego mind.

Imagine yourself or another as a good, loving parent or friend, gently kneeling down to reach the collapsed child. Feel a love that recognises the pain but doesn’t judge the child as bad. Hear soft words of comfort and reassurance. See the child respond to this reminder of what they really deserve, of who they truly are.

Dr. Joseph Burgo on shame and good parenting:

“While playing with other children, Miles grabs a shiny toy from Stephen and excitedly shows it to his mother, who frowns. “That’s not nice. Give the toy back to Stephen,”  she tells Jim.

Parents of toddlers must instill the social values and expectations governing relationships that are less exclusive than caregiver-infant. We refer to this as socialisation: snatching toys away from other children is “not nice”, especially when the toys don’t belong to the snatcher.

That’s not shame. Shame is when you tell your child he or she is bad. And shame has no place in parenting if you want to bring up children with healthy self-esteem”

Source: Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy, and Build True Self-Esteem